Makayla's Movement

Running back…to what

I chased down an ant this afternoon because it was doing something I couldn’t do and that is carry the burden of loss. My burden is definitely 10x my body weight yet I could barely carry an extra pound. I want to shift from the spirit of my beautiful guardian angel to the loss of myself. I don’t want it to be cliche of lost and found and found then lost but truly, today was a tough one. I sat in my space of peace which is that closet of empty shoe boxes which I have a lot of for NO reason at all.

As a woman, a whimsical butterfly with full use of my wings, I still couldn’t fly further than the other side of the wall. Yet, 50,000 Monarch butterfly easily migrate from North American to Mexico every year seems, accordingly belief that they have an innate knowing where to go on their 3,000 mile route…I wish I knew where I am suppose to go now. Trust me it is not a do or doom nor woe as me space that I reside in. I suppose it is just one of those days.

Now back to the ant which by the way, I didn’t hurt it. I just observed it with a smile. And the lesson of that special interlude was I am carrying exactly what God’s has for me. It is not too light nor too heavy but just right. I simply need to put it in perspective and place it his palm to guide my steps. To lean on him. Now I know what I was running back to…to God.

Any given moment…NOW

I spiritually intentionally tune in to many inspiring voices from YouTube channels like TedTalks, GoalCast, and Inspiring Habits about life and love as reinforcers that I can always get up and figure it out…today. Those ghost moments of emptiness after my son’s passing that is. In all honesty and truth, I found myself opening up to realities too about my divorce, and my father’s battle with cancer and his death as they all played their uniqueness to the regrowth of my NOW moments. But back to the YouTube channels for they, at times, safeguarded me and shown me how to dodge bullets of mental strife that germinated unnecessarily.

Any moment one is given is usually a great indicator that things aren’t done yet. The miracle of a breaththrough is truly any moment NOW. If I can offer up any testimony of that is really right NOW, life can be a stickler almost like Gorilla Glue, but I would rather attempt to unstuck my pinky toe from the fly paper of an experience as opposed to just waiting and risk being complacent.

I truly appreciate being able to express my thoughts with this platform. I know we are all connected. We all go through life. We all experience the dings, pings and zings of moments. And contrary to accepted belief, you can take any given moment and make it a NOW WOW moment. I am trying right NOW. To live out loud. And have fun.

Please feel free to leave any comments. Talk isn’t cheap when it comes from a place of truth.

Keeping the peace… piece by piece…

I really enjoy the therapeutic calmness of putting a puzzle together. Analyzing each piece for the roundness and the edges to see where it fits perfectly. Like my life today, I analyze everything and everyone to make sure they fit in my life as they are suppose to. The big picture overview is meant to be fun and not too critical but I find it very daunting at times. My guardian angel then swoops in each time I see a resemblance of his car pulling up next to me at the stop light or I hear someone say his name, he aligns my spirit back to purpose. It is a tragedy to ever lose a child and the in-the-midst aspect is a terrible walk but I am discovering the post-loss is even worse.

The ‘what do I do now’ ? It’s like taking the entire puzzle box and throwing it deliberately on the table knowing I would lose a couple of the pieces under the couch and don’t care. For when you do find the missing pieces the picture on the box would never look the same anyways.

I had to move real slow and ease into caring again. Relearning How each piece is so needed in order reframe my life picture towards a renewed meaning. To be whole. To hold my peace and to keep it sacred.

Piece by piece towards peace. Picture that.

End-of-Life Doula…my calling

I am an end-of-life doula…volunteer. I am the founder of A Point of Life LLC. My soul passion is to give the dying a deeper sense of dignity anchored in kindness and caressed in peace as they transition to their last moments of life. My journey started long before I knew that this was my calling. At 4 years old, I witnessed death and loss. My little brother died of malaria in a refugee camp in Thailand in 1976 within the trauma constricting walls of the post Vietnam War.

As he laid in his makeshift coffin of bamboo and twigs, my little brother looked so peaceful when in reality I knew he endured pain and agony towards that peace. I still recollect sitting within a foot or two of him and my mourning parents and hearing their wails in the stillness of the night. Death was the norm during wartime. Then in 2001, I stood vigil and watch my father die of cancer. What could I have done to save him when the doctor’s chemotherapy, probes, surgeries, and tests couldn’t save him. Then in 2015, I stalled in darkness and light in the midst of my son’s death. So one can say that my experience with death is my credibility yet not a desired badge of trustworthiness as an end-of-doula but I know its my walk in this lifetime.

My son died looking at unfamiliar faces in a cold, sterile trauma surgical room. I wasn’t there to give him comfort, and protect him from the pain. My Makayla’s Movement blog is going to be of peaks and valleys of life lessons after my son’s death. A pivotal point to be honest. To lend and borrow Faith, Hope, and Peace during that journey. I openly invite dialogue with anyone who wants to talk and the offer the honesty, transparency and trust to share and exchange kindness and understanding with loss. I would never want anyone to ever experience this kind of suffering but I learned that loss is also the key to a wonderful kingdom of self love. It’s not an overnight miracle but truly worth the joy of seeing God’s anointing on my life today.

Your eyes hold true beauty…

Ever since I was 6 years old, I was told how I ugly I was for being a dark and dirty looking Asian. When I say dark, I meant the kind of caramel tan that people pay $90-$200 at tanning salons a session for. I have since embraced my melanin at 46 years old and have accepted that period from 6 y.o. to 22 y.o. as the human life curb of seeing that my eyes are the holders of my beauty. Not the makeup laced or bare face but a base of self-discovery and inner knowing that God already created me wonderfully and perfectly in his image. Whether you belief in Him or have some other spiritual guidance, the universal belief should be one that you are beautiful and it goes deeper than the skin tone.

Makayla’s Movement

I had to learn to be honest…

If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.
— Toni Morrison.

This is the first post on my new ~~blog~~. Well to be honest, I started about 4 years ago to best cope or rather cry out to the world after my son moved to Heaven. I was trying to surrender to anyone and anything that would ease the pain and agony of not being able to hold my son again. He was 21 years old. My whole life flipped 21,000 times in intervals that I never even knew was possible. I reached out to many and Googled so many support groups of ‘moms who lost a child, moms who lost their oldest son, moms that need help, moms that need to heal’ and no one answered my inquiries. I was so devastated. But yet here I am, and I had to learn to be honest. I have to be honest. I have nothing to lose after him. My rock bottom was only known to me because everyone around me thought that I was doing just fine. Today, I am better than August 21, 2015. I decided that my ‘survival and get up and keep moving’ movement might help someone so I am releasing all worry of judgement to God. Be honest and genuine. I want to ride air and why not at 46 years old. You have a friend in me.

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