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A promise..

I was given a promise some time ago of trust.

Long time ago when words had golden sweet effects as not to affect harshly anyone’s soul.

Letting go is so easy when the one committed had little sense of commitment to themselves.

A promise with no pinky finger is like swimming in a ripe-tide and think you won’t drown.

Down are the guards from the doorway of my life. I had to change the light bulb to a more God efficient one.

Sufficiency is the key now but with a new perspective. My renewed elective now measures carefully the portal of my happiness. As there is only one prototype available.

I don’t recall if the promise came with a ring or not. But doesn’t all truths ring true once the dust settles?

A promise to keep is of God’s. His mercies are new every morning, great is your faithfulness.

Promise.

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Home security…

As a homeowner or even a renter, we want to protect our property and the possessions inside. So what we do is invest in a home security system or get renter’s insurance to ensure that we get back what gets stolen, damaged or lost. But how would it work as designed when one homeowner gives the spare key or code to the intruder?

For example, consider when selling a home and the potential buyer questions why the current homeowner has a security system in a neighborhood that by statistics and general environment seems unlikely to have a high crime rate. The intent of the owner, of course, to protect the investment of his property from future attempts of a break in, destruction of what’s inside and the pride of homeownership. And that shouldn’t come to an explanation at all. No debate. And to segue to the spiritual aspect as the child of the Most High…I believe I should never have to accept un-welcomed guest(s) in my home if I desire to safeguard my family.

…as a faithful believer of the Word of God, enemies come to steal, kill and destroy. Am I wrong to protect my home? If you aren’t invited into my sacred sanctuary then I don’t understand why coming at night when I am asleep makes it okay. I suppose if the other person in the house lets you in and has handed out the spare or given you the code then I don’t have any other choice but to move out. I never wanted to live in a playhouse.

I have accepted that a home can be built anywhere but it’s the foundation that makes it a stable and secure home. I recall the homes of the 3 Little Pigs.. of straws, of sticks and of bricks. I believe that mine was being built and renovated out of all three but with an added security protection of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. With this peace in my soul, I am faithful and hopeful for a future of a more suitable home in divine time. I need God to be my co-signer.

Where I won’t ever feel spiritually evicted.

God is inside of me. I will protect him with my life. My personal home security requires two core fundamental covenants: trust and honesty. Their codes are quite simple and not everyone is meant to respect and secure them. And that is the beauty of life. All things working for the good and only in the accordance of God’s purpose while there are many options in home security and many points of entry in a home, I pray that God keeps me still and Still. So when handing out the code to your home one has to be sure to also accept that not everyone given the code will do right because squatters need a place to plot and play but not to live.

ADT is a popular home security company and trusted. I like to think of ADT as Always Demanding Trust. How else can you sleep in peace at night when the alarm is always going off…

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The light…a song by Common

I couldn’t think of any other song as finite that adds to this snippet of my life until now.

Have you cared about someone so much that you before you knew it, you are blinded to give them all the intangible life forces (you believed in) in turn only to be the sacrifice? And be in that sacred space of partnership by a mere 12 inches away as they listened to love songs that weren’t about you as the lyrics filled the space? I was there by absent.

It was a jolt of hurt and sadness and everything that a heartache could be then I was jolted to anger and acceptance of the truth. This was my grieving period within minutes. Why should I hurt over someone that clearly never loved me at all. That moment was so raw. The sun drained my spirit.

I packed my bags like a bag lady about 4 times, uprooted, left jobs, and literary everything only to be sent bags packing again and again. That was one humiliation too much. And to have the other parties laugh about it. I made very expensive choices fracturing my integrity and character. And my self-worth was on its last breath.

Sorry became another sorry excuse. Honesty was a cheap admission of nothing when someone else was valued. Someone’s happyness was smugly in the background watching my life unfolded with a drink and popcorn. It was like the movie Set It Off with a twist to say Let’s Set her Up was being filmed and I was unknowingly the main character. I am a horrible actor, trust me. But we know who the true Author and Finisher is so now as I blog..it is not with a heavy heart but resiliency. I wish the producers of this failed/successful screenplay the exact awards they hoped to win for everyone is a winner.

So back to the lyrics of the song (which I deleted some to make it clarify and confirm) as the root of what I am blogging for…

There is a trajectory about relationships that either has us in a tailspin or brings us to the complete stop once we meet that one who saids “Hey, don’t I know you?”

Of course, it wasn’t the latter for me. But again, God knew the end from the beginning. And what we think is free will and his free will, it can be confusing when rooted in our fear and unresolved hurt and believing we owe others our lifetime. In truth, it is not that easy to differentiate. Being honest allows it eventually. Our paths are special but our journey is the same..one towards peace, self-acceptance and love. This is a brief life.

If you can sense through my tone..I am expressing matter-of-factly because I don’t have anything real to lose. My tears are dry and they aren’t salty anymore. I can’t cry over an illusion. I am blessed and alive. I would say it is that innate survival instinct but I believe more that is my affirmation as the child of the Most High.

There is something to be said about being in alignment because all crooked lines are still lines. Sometimes, you have to draw the line.

….

I never knew a…
Gotta be somethin’ for me to write this
Love has no limit
I know your heart is weathered by
I ain’t gon’ assault ’em ’cause I probably did it too

Because of you feelings I handle with care
Some niggaz recognize the light but they can’t handle the glare
You know I ain’t the type to walk around with matchin’ shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work

I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most
They say the end is near, it’s important that we close
To the most, high
There are times when you’ll need someone
by your side
There is a light that shines
Special for you
It’s important we communicate
And tune the fate of this union to the right pitch
I did call you my bitch or even my boo
There’s so much in a name and so much more in you

Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land

So I pray everyday more than anything friends will stay as we begin to lay
Why can’t it be anything worth having you work at annually?
It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine

There are times when you’ll need someone
I will
There is a light that shines
Special for you
It’s kinda fresh you listen to more than hip-hop
At times when I’m lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it’s time to
My heart’s dictionary defines you, it’s love and happiness
Truthfully it’s hard tryin’ to practice abstinence

The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain’t gon’ keep you, but as my equal
It’s how I must treat you

As my reflection in light I’m a lead you
And whatever’s right, I’m a feed you
Digga da, digga da, digga da, digga digga da da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace

There are times when you’ll need someone
I will be by your side
There is a light…

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Life lesson…a gift of the Spirit

The transmutation of life starts from the depth of peace.

A kind of peace that is unwavering and sheltered in raindrops of collected sweet tears in the mind.

The topography of my being has been rearranged and God made sure the area of my spiritual life is protected by his law.

I learned a hard yet needed life lesson today. In that the elevation of life is to rise above the manual laboring of misconstrued words when minced vowels and consonants are dropped everywhere with nowhere to go.

Then as if the light of life, truth and the way, which I accept as my Lord and Savior, shoots across the atmosphere in perfect timing, I awakened in peace. Just like the pieces in a Scrabble game, once it makes sense, mental and spiritual balance is attained.

I reside back to square One. This time I see more than ever beyond my frown and brown eyes, a special covenant of the Waymaker of his honesty and protectiveness.

A life lesson goes a long way for it affords the begetting of growth and self-worth.

It builds a home. It lays the brickwork of understanding and healing and acceptance of more than mere imagination.

Namaste. The divine in me truly honors the divine in you.

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Count it all as Joy..

There was a man laying in the alley way as I walking today. He laid in a fetal position as I called over to him to check if he were alive. I couldn’t just walk away and leave him alone to die if that were the case. I would have failed God and that him. In a split moment, I seen the bridge of my life’s purpose.

I called to him several times then I dialed 911 then I waited as the 911 dispatcher thought maybe it should be a welfare check. With no requirement of the paramedics.

As I stood vigilant several yards away, I began to think it’s funny how people can leave in the mist of the storm but then I thought maybe how the protection of the storm isn’t suppose to be shelter for everyone.

There are treasures in the trials. And some of us take them on and go toe-to-toe or we run away. There was a treasure in me coming across this older gentleman, from my perspective and that of the attending police officers, appeared to be okay. That treasure I discovered was I had to count it all as joy. I only decided to walk that way because I wanted to get exactly 1 mile with my weighted vest. But it was God who had a different intention of my steps. I was needed to check on someone and take care of them.

My walk was lighter in knowing that I didn’t just walk away without knowing that he was okay. I may see him again and if I don’t, I found joy in knowing that God gave me another lesson of this one shot Life under his Grace.

That under any and all conditions of Life, we must count it all as joy. For joy does come in the morning and in my case, in the afternoon.

I am joyful.

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Beloved, I can’t….

In the background stillness as I crawl from under the warmth of my comforter to blog..”that all of humankind has gone astray” whisper….well, an excerpt from the Bible from the Psalm of David. I had gone astray in my thought being. And given the isolation of the last couple of weeks, you can only imagine that my monkey mind has climbed mountains and jumped from cliffs.

Oh Beloved, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t chase nor pursue desires that are less than what God has been trying to seep deep into my life and humble spirit. I can run mini marathons and make good time on my jogs but lately, my breathing capacity is labored and I fell into pain. Briefly I gasped desperately to live not just survive. Then I was thrown a lifeline of truth and trust that only God can extend in his ever ready moment of Grace.

Beloved, We live in the world of people over profit. Where people MUST be over profit. So Beloved, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t clutter my mind with survival thoughts and making it thoughts. God has been in control and he continues to give me PEACE everlasting. I will surrender to his way. Get out of my way. What else do I have left?

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HELLO

I want to know was it Me that you were really looking for? Did you seek Me or an image of beauty that alluded you earlier in the day? It feels that way when you are mistaken as a representative of ambiguity. I took some time off and kinda sorta on purpose from my writing and expressing my life through these keystrokes. I am proud to say that I have a new plan and a new shade of love. And absolutely no shade to allow love to cover my life hereafter.

HELLO, are you still there? It’s the first thing you say to someone to get their attention and it’s the nicest thing to say to someone when you meet for the first time. It shows kindness and readiness to know them. I know me more today than I accepted yesterday. I feel as if I am coming back from the abyss of creativity. Are you ready to read what I have to say and if not, we all have excess time now to caress the buttons of Google search keys and find something to entertain us. So let me entertain you from here.

I had been volunteering with a great nonprofit that serves veterans and their motto is that “May No Soldier Go Unloved” I truly appreciated that gift of service to those veterans as it was my BIG Thank you to them. It is disheartening to see and witness homelessness and poverty in the lives of the veterans when they have truly sacrificed so much for America and across the seas. I will forever be moved. It has shifted my soul.

I also continued to serve as a hospice volunteer and the memories and the profound experience of the end-of-life experience shared and supported with those I made contact with will forever anchor my life.

Hello. I am empty in this world of extra stuff. I want to leave empty from this world. I will continue to serve in my God-given purpose. I called out to Yahweh this morning and asked to be in the presence of his counsel and he gently advised me that my first echo of “Hello” was the one whisper that he had been waiting for from me.

I found an old picture of myself when I was trying to find myself. You know that one or one of many images that we think captures our best but when in reality, it really shows the evolving self to the right person to sees us honestly. It was one I took after I landed my first real job as an adult. Hello and good-bye though. Life is different today.

Today, I am here to serve humanity. God would be proud of me this moment.

Hello.

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I made my bed…

I said I am sorry.

I ran away from an ant.

I lost one sock.

I wore a size too small.

I asked for more than I needed.

I suffered a pin prick.

I ate too fast.

I colored outside the lines.

I decided that I will live life this way. Making my bed. Following through. Not focusing too much on the creases nor Aligned edges of my sheets.

I want to be remembered fondly. And for making my bed.

I am this special human with a spiritual Grace that silver lines everything. I aspire to say and do this intentionally.

facciamo crossover…in English..let’s crossover. Best time to be alive.

This post is for my son Timothy

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Mom, you know it’s me..

I had to start typing before I lost my thoughts which swarmed thicker and noiser than a million honey bees meeting their Queen for the first time. I get it. My purpose. My inner voice of purpose.

It goes back to three very important significant signs over the course of my life. That actually just made sense this very moment. First, it was the song “Africa” by the 80’s group Toto. Secondly, it was that moment in the Suds Your Duds laundromat when I was 9 years. And lastly, my EIN for my end-of-life services business that has xx-xx821xx.

There had always been a longing and connection to the song “Africa” for me ever since I heard it in the early 80’s when I first came to the U.S. It stuck deep in my spirit as it just PLAYED in my heart today at the age of 46 years that made me fall to my knees. It made sense now that it was all about home. Finding myself. My inner sanctuary of HOME. If we can dig historical annals and I believe that without a shadow of doubt, civilization started in Africa. The song was symbolic of HOME. That I wouldn’t be able to do nor be of significant in my lifetime until I found that grounding. That safe haven of the lights always on for me. It was through the darkness of times from Vietnam War, divorce and loss through death that I found HOME. Now as I commit my whole life of service. It is my home base. And that no matter where the road may lead for me, I will always be safe just I knowing that HOME is truly where my heart and soul resides.

Then comes the moment I heard that song again when I was 9 years old and I sang along quietly as I waited for the clothes to dry at the laundromat. Someone whom is very close to me heard me and stated “You are weird to sing that song, people will think you are mentally retarded.” That stung heavily in my side but It was truly a blessing that they saw my light of life well before I could conceive of it. I was different? I was unique? I am anointed? To know now is what that person was really saying to me. And now, I have to gather my epiphany and DO something AWESOME.

Then comes the synergy of the two collectives I just shared, my business EIN number that significantly and wonderfully had the date of the day my son Timothy passed away. What a blessing it is NOW to come to acceptance and understanding that all things truly do work together for those who trust in the Lord. I had no one else to trust that would understand this but the Holy Spirit “who began a good work in me will carry it on to the completion until the day of Jesus Christ.”

As I roll up my final thoughts of AHA, I come to know why I am here and I have no regrets of why I had those trials and tribulations of my life. Because today I heard my son say, “Mom, you know it’s me.”

Thank you.

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Water station…

Life is a marathon. Not a sprint.

I hate the feeling of losing my breath when I am just going around the corner not necessarily the entire block. I have been around the block and its not a dig at myself as a woman but a woman who understands how each step was a guided step, therefore, when I tripped often within my 46 years on this earthly plane, the lesson was awe inspiring.

I took a nice long middle age sprint today under the Midwestern cool skies. The traffic around me was so thick that a part of me wanted to form a walk group right there(c’mon folks, leave your cars and walk with me) and lead a mob walk to anywhere but the stuckness of the afterwork weariness. I might do this one day.

I was so thirsty but not for the life giving H2O.

My thirst was for the necessary of ‘why’ I was feeling that a breakthrough was around the corner. Have I earned an award medal from God for my personal achievements thus far? My marathon isn’t close to being over but next time I will stop at the water station and chat with the volunteer handing out the water.

Isn’t that what we should all do? Stop sometimes at the water station, pace ourselves, take deep breaths so that when we finish, we finish strong.

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Never alone…

I had a wonderful lunch with a former co-worker today. There is something about being present for someone and actively listening to their voice as they share their moments. You feel privileged in that space of presence especially in the world where the cell phone often serves as the fill-in as one’s ears. I heard her words and the woes that came out of the consonants and vowels that honestly spelled out the state of her life since I last seen her.

It didn’t take more than a minute after we sat down for our Greek salad and chicken and waffle brunch that I sensed that this outlet was long overdue.

It’s a wonder or maybe not that we would need a friend for more than a rainy day. I didn’t know she was going through it. I suppose I didn’t because I was in my own world making the world turn as best as God has allowed me to. I shared with her my relationship with Him. I told her that no matter where I think I am in life and who I thought I was suppose to be in this life, I was never doing for the Gram..but that God already had this setup for me. And he for her. I asked her so candidly, gently and mindfully, which one of your faculties aren’t functioning to their full capacity right now? She looked at me and simply smiled. I realized that things are better said than done but if his WILL has already been done, how much more evidence do we need that everything will be just fine.

There is no miracle moment that makes the sun smile bigger nor the moon to glisten brighter but in any given moment it can be better than just a few moments ago or days ago or years ago.

Reality is, I believe that we aren’t alone but in our thoughts. My coworker sent me a followup text on how I made her feel better. My feel better is that she knows in her spirit that if she needs me, all she has to do is call. There is no true emptiness in the world of God. She left the restaurant fed and loved.

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Seated in the presence of the enemies…

They say success comes with a hefty price tag and those who don’t support it will most certainly deep discount the elevation. I haven’t reached the mountain top just yet for I can barely see the summit from here; however, what I can envision with my eyes closed and on the Lord that it’s better than hundreds of fantasies and dreams combined.

I walk with utmost Faith and Trust in the journey of purpose. I recognize realistically, at times, I will be instructed to sit at the table with those who will only know me by my first name as a business courtesy. They won’t desire to know my last name, a name of ordered steps by the Most High because they won’t have with the same humility and gratitude taste palate nor can digest the same value of nutrition which nowadays seems to be an acquired taste. And its okay. I had to learn that it has to be okay.

I honestly won’t want to sit at the head table alone anyways. I need orchestrated kicks of challenges and matrix-like enforcements for how else can I find my true strength and inner superhero. Transformation comes from chaos. Look at the lotus flower.

I want God to put a lotus flower as the center piece of my table. In closing, there are no true enemies just people of complex collectiveness with different mindsets. Go ahead and find a seat, I would suggest the one facing the sunshine. That is where Glory is also seated.

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Let’s just see….how it works out

Ever been in state of shock yet not in shock? It’s like you know that you shouldn’t be but then you realize it’s that marvelous Instant Noodle of life. By the way, I truly enjoy ramen noodles and being Asian, its always in the house and in every crevice of the cabinets and under the microwave cart and even in the fridge, don’t ask.

Back to the shock factor at any given moment. Its an unpreparedness, however, so strikingly and tantalizing on its own merit. If you saw a frog in a pond on top of duck’s head grooming its host, that would be shocking but not as shocking as seeing a frog grooming a duck’s head as a fish sunbathes on the duck, right? Okay, okay I am getting into a creative realm that a typical license wouldn’t be granted for.

I am feeling a certain way tonight as I went back to reread my blogs. I would have to say that I am pretty darn proud of my consistency of enacting my ability to express the thoughts of my Matrix mindset. I wouldn’t be as mystical as The Oracle, but I would like to have coffee with her. The shock factor? You asked…well, it is really my own intuitive inner yearning to be delivered from anything not for me. I seek liberating subject matters that not only would enhance my purpose in life which I know is my End-of-Life Doula-ship…but gives me a sense of balance of creating and carving my life out. I just feel that in time, due time, real time that my revelation will be shockingly beautiful and picturesque.

Beauty out of ashes…..Namaste.

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Weeping what you sow…

All eventualities of good things seem to endure the night so when that moment of breakthrough comes as the sun sets…one realizes sadness and strife simply won’t last forever. God stated that too. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert gardener but any stretch of the imagination Dragons of my mind. I found myself one night in such a state of confusion and turmoil.

I must have cried until my eyes were so puffy red that if Dorothy wanted a ruby red nose to go with her ruby red slippers, she definitely could have sent the wicked witch and flying monkeys to my humble abode for it. I would have flown back to follow that Yellow Brick Road to some serenity. I was weeping over something I thought I truly needed to survive as if it overrode my need for air. Boy, with hindsight, I am so grateful that the night wasn’t a permanent state of my human experience. Otherwise I may have flooded my memory form pillow and that is one memory I most certainly don’t want to carry into tomorrow.

As the sun set the next day, the seeds of my despair attempted very weakly to germinate. They couldn’t lodge themselves in my soul. I believe that my fortified walls of Faith kept them at bay. I didn’t need Roundup to kill them because I acknowledged the pain and guess what, I also found a container of Miracle Gro aka God. He was like “Makayla, you are wonderfully and fearfully made in my image, wash your face and meet me at the table for turkey bacon and a morning mimosa of ministry.”

I weeped what I faithfully sown and have no regrets. That is the part of detachment and freedom. I am a gardener in that my sadness seeds became my testimony. My plant and I are soundly planted now. And all I ever need is God’s sunlight.

Side note: I have basil plant which is about 40 years old. My father brought it with him when we came as refugees from Laos, post Vietnam War. He was the gardener of my LIFE

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? of Steel Classifies….

Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap a tall building in a single bound! … it is a wonder sometimes how lazily with good intent we put so much on one person. For them to make things right for us, for them to have all the answers as if their entire existence is for our convenience.

The last 5 years …I had to look at myself in the mirror and see more than an adult pimple on my chin. I had to see a woman and mommy just trying to figure it. It’s the honest art of vulnerability and unapologetically owning it. Then taking those X files to God for further review and approval. There is nothing more beautifully classified that God’s plan for my life. I can appreciate the unknowing. It adds excitement and zeal to this journey. I would be fearful and apprehensive if I knew how it would all work out. Who knows I might find out something insanely crazy and end up stuck in the downward poodle pose or duck pose or ostrich pose at that exact moment.

My (super)hu(man) is still faster than a speeding bullet. Still more powerful than a locomotive. And able to leap a tall building in a single bound…..with one slight twist, I realize that I was the kryptonite. ..all about perception. Powerful

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Heads or tails..or it is tales

I am pretty esoteric in my spiritual growth and inner calling of being who I am. God created all this in me so I must evolve my thinking every day and yet have the UTMOST Faith that He has and will continue to grant Me mercy and Grace. One of my good friends back in the day called me an exotic enigma. I receive it.

I flipped a coin or two in my life cycle in trying to understand WHY now and WHY me? It just seems easier to let something else guide my next steps than myself. I don’t want to grow up and be an adult. I heard its tough and mundane and when you are also an adult Mommy, Sister, and Daughter, boy what a doozy of the essence of being. But do I know, it seems natural and chaotic.

I flipped a coin this morning, I would disclose what I was given but let’s just say with confidence that God has a gift for me today. I was able to do my hair with minimum gel and hairspray. I feel pretty good. I was able to start my proposal for a circculum of sorts so I can present to this middle school to go in and be able to educate, listen, share and talk to young people about grief and loss. As a community member and someone who cares for the heart health of others. My heartspace that my God has placed in my soul.

I supposed that getting the right side of the coin can determine what type of tale that one can write about their lives. You don’t have to write the whole story today but boy, today sure is a good start.

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Tag you are it…with LoVe

When we meet people in the mist of going through something, you don’t even pause to figure why they crossed your path at the very moment. I went for my now daily walk at the waterfront. Of course, minding my own business, getting my french vanilla latte at Collectivo, when I met someone in need of a hug. It would seem now that God clearly orchestrated the encounter. The young lady mistakenly picked up my drink and I was like, cool, her name is Makayla too and she ordered the same drink…

I walked up to the counter amused but really was thinking how I was so craving my drink and had waited at least 6 minutes.. as I neared her, she gave me this “oops I took her drink to I don’t want anyone to know I am here” look. Then she cried. I felt bad if I gave that vibe and she later in her vulnerability to a perfect stranger but really how strange are we to one another in this small world? In a soft whisper of her Mommy confidence and trust of a perfect stranger, she recently lost her son and haven’t been in the sound sense of herself. I get it. Oh, Do I get it.

We went off to the side and I listened to her cry and held space so she can share her loss. This was the moment when saying ” I understand” is a true statement. I didn’t want to understand but God asked for my Timothy back too so yes, I understand. We simply sat. I shared my end-of-life doula walk of purpose and that moment of tag was one that I would take back.

God was in this for her and myself. Our sons must be proud.

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The Pareto Principle…whoosaa

Good Morning, whoosaa so early? Well, its kinda of a good thing because I am able to set the tone for a great day of being fed with the Word of God and his whisper this morning in my ear was to capture the day and jump in like a good time at double dutch. I am going to make the Pareto Principle work to my benefit and smile at the results. If one doesn’t know this principle works off the notion that your gain of 80% comes from 20% your base. You can literary apply it to every day life and not subjected only to business.

My 80/20 mantra for the day is that of my 80% efforts of networking will plant the seeds to grow my End-of-Life Doula calling. Allowing that 20% to open my gift. I know that once we can reach the acceptance and awareness of impending death is not an absolute end but a new liberating beginning. I never want anyone to die alone. No one deserves to die alone. I don’t want to die knowing that I didn’t live in my purpose.

Life is a continuum of being able to be present for someone else as they are present with death. And my Whoosaa just came to peace.

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Running back…to what

I chased down an ant this afternoon because it was doing something I couldn’t do and that is carry the burden of loss. My burden is definitely 10x my body weight yet I could barely carry an extra pound. I want to shift from the spirit of my beautiful guardian angel to the loss of myself. I don’t want it to be cliche of lost and found and found then lost but truly, today was a tough one. I sat in my space of peace which is that closet of empty shoe boxes which I have a lot of for NO reason at all.

As a woman, a whimsical butterfly with full use of my wings, I still couldn’t fly further than the other side of the wall. Yet, 50,000 Monarch butterfly easily migrate from North American to Mexico every year seems, accordingly belief that they have an innate knowing where to go on their 3,000 mile route…I wish I knew where I am suppose to go now. Trust me it is not a do or doom nor woe as me space that I reside in. I suppose it is just one of those days.

Now back to the ant which by the way, I didn’t hurt it. I just observed it with a smile. And the lesson of that special interlude was I am carrying exactly what God’s has for me. It is not too light nor too heavy but just right. I simply need to put it in perspective and place it his palm to guide my steps. To lean on him. Now I know what I was running back to…to God.

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Any given moment…NOW

I spiritually intentionally tune in to many inspiring voices from YouTube channels like TedTalks, GoalCast, and Inspiring Habits about life and love as reinforcers that I can always get up and figure it out…today. Those ghost moments of emptiness after my son’s passing that is. In all honesty and truth, I found myself opening up to realities too about my divorce, and my father’s battle with cancer and his death as they all played their uniqueness to the regrowth of my NOW moments. But back to the YouTube channels for they, at times, safeguarded me and shown me how to dodge bullets of mental strife that germinated unnecessarily.

Any moment one is given is usually a great indicator that things aren’t done yet. The miracle of a breaththrough is truly any moment NOW. If I can offer up any testimony of that is really right NOW, life can be a stickler almost like Gorilla Glue, but I would rather attempt to unstuck my pinky toe from the fly paper of an experience as opposed to just waiting and risk being complacent.

I truly appreciate being able to express my thoughts with this platform. I know we are all connected. We all go through life. We all experience the dings, pings and zings of moments. And contrary to accepted belief, you can take any given moment and make it a NOW WOW moment. I am trying right NOW. To live out loud. And have fun.

Please feel free to leave any comments. Talk isn’t cheap when it comes from a place of truth.

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Keeping the peace… piece by piece…

I really enjoy the therapeutic calmness of putting a puzzle together. Analyzing each piece for the roundness and the edges to see where it fits perfectly. Like my life today, I analyze everything and everyone to make sure they fit in my life as they are suppose to. The big picture overview is meant to be fun and not too critical but I find it very daunting at times. My guardian angel then swoops in each time I see a resemblance of his car pulling up next to me at the stop light or I hear someone say his name, he aligns my spirit back to purpose. It is a tragedy to ever lose a child and the in-the-midst aspect is a terrible walk but I am discovering the post-loss is even worse.

The ‘what do I do now’ ? It’s like taking the entire puzzle box and throwing it deliberately on the table knowing I would lose a couple of the pieces under the couch and don’t care. For when you do find the missing pieces the picture on the box would never look the same anyways.

I had to move real slow and ease into caring again. Relearning How each piece is so needed in order reframe my life picture towards a renewed meaning. To be whole. To hold my peace and to keep it sacred.

Piece by piece towards peace. Picture that.

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End-of-Life Doula…my calling

I am an end-of-life doula…volunteer. I am the founder of A Point of Life LLC. My soul passion is to give the dying a deeper sense of dignity anchored in kindness and caressed in peace as they transition to their last moments of life. My journey started long before I knew that this was my calling. At 4 years old, I witnessed death and loss. My little brother died of malaria in a refugee camp in Thailand in 1976 within the trauma constricting walls of the post Vietnam War.

As he laid in his makeshift coffin of bamboo and twigs, my little brother looked so peaceful when in reality I knew he endured pain and agony towards that peace. I still recollect sitting within a foot or two of him and my mourning parents and hearing their wails in the stillness of the night. Death was the norm during wartime. Then in 2001, I stood vigil and watch my father die of cancer. What could I have done to save him when the doctor’s chemotherapy, probes, surgeries, and tests couldn’t save him. Then in 2015, I stalled in darkness and light in the midst of my son’s death. So one can say that my experience with death is my credibility yet not a desired badge of trustworthiness as an end-of-doula but I know its my walk in this lifetime.

My son died looking at unfamiliar faces in a cold, sterile trauma surgical room. I wasn’t there to give him comfort, and protect him from the pain. My Makayla’s Movement blog is going to be of peaks and valleys of life lessons after my son’s death. A pivotal point to be honest. To lend and borrow Faith, Hope, and Peace during that journey. I openly invite dialogue with anyone who wants to talk and the offer the honesty, transparency and trust to share and exchange kindness and understanding with loss. I would never want anyone to ever experience this kind of suffering but I learned that loss is also the key to a wonderful kingdom of self love. It’s not an overnight miracle but truly worth the joy of seeing God’s anointing on my life today.

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Makayla’s Movement

I had to learn to be honest…

If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.

— Toni Morrison.

This is the first post on my new blog. Well to be honest, I started about 4 years ago to best cope or rather cry out to the world after my son moved to Heaven. I was trying to surrender to anyone and anything that would ease the pain and agony of not being able to hold my son again. He was 21 years old. My whole life flipped 21,000 times in intervals that I never even knew was possible. I reached out to many and Googled so many support groups of ‘moms who lost a child, moms who lost their oldest son, moms that need help, moms that need to heal’ and no one answered my inquiries. I was so devastated. But yet here I am, and I had to learn to be honest. I have to be honest. I have nothing to lose after him. My rock bottom was only known to me because everyone around me thought that I was doing just fine. Today, I am better than August 21, 2015. I decided that my ‘survival and get up and keep moving’ movement might help someone so I am releasing all worry of judgement to God. Be honest and genuine. I want to ride air and why not at 46 years old. You have a friend in me.

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Until death do us part….

In order to find life you must honest be about death. Some of us think we are invincible and that nothing will bring us to death’s doorstep unless we have the final say…I say with all that is happening now, I have decided to part ways with death in order to find life.

Death asked several questions of me the last couple of months that I really tried to avoid because I thought those questions were absolutely unfair and unjust. I mean, who was death to talk to me when I was just barely growing from my own grief. Why wasn’t Death allowing me true space to grieve and play my own instrumental piece.

Please note clearly and I mean very clearly that I am not speaking of suicide. Because we all have things that we go through that pushes us to accept how and when to let go and let live. That thing that binds us once, we have to let die.

I belong to this group called God Group. It came to mind today as I watching this documentary about a little boy who suffered severe burn and is now permanently disfigured but his personality and zeal and thirst for life is so much bigger than someone who gets mad over spilled milk.

I think that holding on to “forever” is a mystical thing and a fragment of misapplied expectations. And as I have witnessed over my 46 years of life, there is no forever but simply fleeting moments to be YOU and be a good person in the mist of struggles and strife. So I can’t wait to part me to meet with Glory. I live in Glory this moment because I am of sound body and mind and have more work to do for my life and lives of those around me.

If there is a time to reflect and reject trivial things so we can have meaningful things, it’s now.

Because as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And only then will death do us part.

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