Makayla's Movement

I made it this far….

Who wants to figure this life out and then next thing you know that its time to go. I walked today in the mid-Fall air of the Midwest. The concrete under my feet was soft. Soft concrete? Yes. I realize that all this time, God was that elevated carrier of my burdens and thoughts. And today was just that moment of reckoning. I had to find out its beauty of clarity again, why I am blessed to inhale and exhale life even in the mist of unraveling honesty. I took a ‘risk to be seen’ as said by actor Jim Carrey in one his motivational speaks. I was cool to be invisible but it hid my gift.

There is much that I want to shout in the Glory of this moment. I felt the momentum of ‘what next’….how are you going to ride this wave of inspiration to live fully if not today? How are you going to honor your son? How do you want to be seen? Whoa! Pause. I want to make it. Not for status nor power but to change someone outside finding my inside spiritual woman and to be remembered fondly. I want to say and proclaim more than “I made it this far….”

And the constant reminder of my wonderful patients that I visit with as hospice volunteer, you have more to do.

Gotta to believe in magic. That magic is sparkle in the pit of my belly. And guess what, I don’t need a wand when I already have the light of Love.

Water station…

Life is a marathon. Not a sprint.

I hate the feeling of losing my breath when I am just going around the corner not necessarily the entire block. I have been around the block and its not a dig at myself as a woman but a woman who understands how each step was a guided step, therefore, when I tripped often within my 46 years on this earthly plane, the lesson was awe inspiring.

I took a nice long middle age sprint today under the Midwestern cool skies. The traffic around me was so thick that a part of me wanted to form a walk group right there(c’mon folks, leave your cars and walk with me) and lead a mob walk to anywhere but the stuckness of the afterwork weariness. I might do this one day.

I was so thirsty but not for the life giving H2O.

My thirst was for the necessary of ‘why’ I was feeling that a breakthrough was around the corner. Have I earned an award medal from God for my personal achievements thus far? My marathon isn’t close to being over but next time I will stop at the water station and chat with the volunteer handing out the water.

Isn’t that what we should all do? Stop sometimes at the water station, pace ourselves, take deep breaths so that when we finish, we finish strong.

Never alone…

I had a wonderful lunch with a former co-worker today. There is something about being present for someone and actively listening to their voice as they share their moments. You feel privileged in that space of presence especially in the world where the cell phone often serves as the fill-in as one’s ears. I heard her words and the woes that came out of the consonants and vowels that honestly spelled out the state of her life since I last seen her.

It didn’t take more than a minute after we sat down for our Greek salad and chicken and waffle brunch that I sensed that this outlet was long overdue.

It’s a wonder or maybe not that we would need a friend for more than a rainy day. I didn’t know she was going through it. I suppose I didn’t because I was in my own world making the world turn as best as God has allowed me to. I shared with her my relationship with Him. I told her that no matter where I think I am in life and who I thought I was suppose to be in this life, I was never doing for the Gram..but that God already had this setup for me. And he for her. I asked her so candidly, gently and mindfully, which one of your faculties aren’t functioning to their full capacity right now? She looked at me and simply smiled. I realized that things are better said than done but if his WILL has already been done, how much more evidence do we need that everything will be just fine.

There is no miracle moment that makes the sun smile bigger nor the moon to glisten brighter but in any given moment it can be better than just a few moments ago or days ago or years ago.

Reality is, I believe that we aren’t alone but in our thoughts. My coworker sent me a followup text on how I made her feel better. My feel better is that she knows in her spirit that if she needs me, all she has to do is call. There is no true emptiness in the world of God. She left the restaurant fed and loved.

Seated in the presence of the enemies…

They say success comes with a hefty price tag and those who don’t support it will most certainly deep discount the elevation. I haven’t reached the mountain top just yet for I can barely see the summit from here; however, what I can envision with my eyes closed and on the Lord that it’s better than hundreds of fantasies and dreams combined.

I walk with utmost Faith and Trust in the journey of purpose. I recognize realistically, at times, I will be instructed to sit at the table with those who will only know me by my first name as a business courtesy. They won’t desire to know my last name, a name of ordered steps by the Most High because they won’t have with the same humility and gratitude taste palate nor can digest the same value of nutrition which nowadays seems to be an acquired taste. And its okay. I had to learn that it has to be okay.

I honestly won’t want to sit at the head table alone anyways. I need orchestrated kicks of challenges and matrix-like enforcements for how else can I find my true strength and inner superhero. Transformation comes from chaos. Look at the lotus flower.

I want God to put a lotus flower as the center piece of my table. In closing, there are no true enemies just people of complex collectiveness with different mindsets. Go ahead and find a seat, I would suggest the one facing the sunshine. That is where Glory is also seated.

Let’s just see….how it works out

Ever been in state of shock yet not in shock? It’s like you know that you shouldn’t be but then you realize it’s that marvelous Instant Noodle of life. By the way, I truly enjoy ramen noodles and being Asian, its always in the house and in every crevice of the cabinets and under the microwave cart and even in the fridge, don’t ask.

Back to the shock factor at any given moment. Its an unpreparedness, however, so strikingly and tantalizing on its own merit. If you saw a frog in a pond on top of duck’s head grooming its host, that would be shocking but not as shocking as seeing a frog grooming a duck’s head as a fish sunbathes on the duck, right? Okay, okay I am getting into a creative realm that a typical license wouldn’t be granted for.

I am feeling a certain way tonight as I went back to reread my blogs. I would have to say that I am pretty darn proud of my consistency of enacting my ability to express the thoughts of my Matrix mindset. I wouldn’t be as mystical as The Oracle, but I would like to have coffee with her. The shock factor? You asked…well, it is really my own intuitive inner yearning to be delivered from anything not for me. I seek liberating subject matters that not only would enhance my purpose in life which I know is my End-of-Life Doula-ship…but gives me a sense of balance of creating and carving my life out. I just feel that in time, due time, real time that my revelation will be shockingly beautiful and picturesque.

Beauty out of ashes…..Namaste.

Weeping what you sow…

All eventualities of good things seem to endure the night so when that moment of breakthrough comes as the sun sets…one realizes sadness and strife simply won’t last forever. God stated that too. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert gardener but any stretch of the imagination Dragons of my mind. I found myself one night in such a state of confusion and turmoil.

I must have cried until my eyes were so puffy red that if Dorothy wanted a ruby red nose to go with her ruby red slippers, she definitely could have sent the wicked witch and flying monkeys to my humble abode for it. I would have flown back to follow that Yellow Brick Road to some serenity. I was weeping over something I thought I truly needed to survive as if it overrode my need for air. Boy, with hindsight, I am so grateful that the night wasn’t a permanent state of my human experience. Otherwise I may have flooded my memory form pillow and that is one memory I most certainly don’t want to carry into tomorrow.

As the sun set the next day, the seeds of my despair attempted very weakly to germinate. They couldn’t lodge themselves in my soul. I believe that my fortified walls of Faith kept them at bay. I didn’t need Roundup to kill them because I acknowledged the pain and guess what, I also found a container of Miracle Gro aka God. He was like “Makayla, you are wonderfully and fearfully made in my image, wash your face and meet me at the table for turkey bacon and a morning mimosa of ministry.”

I weeped what I faithfully sown and have no regrets. That is the part of detachment and freedom. I am a gardener in that my sadness seeds became my testimony. My plant and I are soundly planted now. And all I ever need is God’s sunlight.

Side note: I have basil plant which is about 40 years old. My father brought it with him when we came as refugees from Laos, post Vietnam War. He was the gardener of my LIFE

? of Steel Classifies….

Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap a tall building in a single bound! … it is a wonder sometimes how lazily with good intent we put so much on one person. For them to make things right for us, for them to have all the answers as if their entire existence is for our convenience.

The last 5 years …I had to look at myself in the mirror and see more than an adult pimple on my chin. I had to see a woman and mommy just trying to figure it. It’s the honest art of vulnerability and unapologetically owning it. Then taking those X files to God for further review and approval. There is nothing more beautifully classified that God’s plan for my life. I can appreciate the unknowing. It adds excitement and zeal to this journey. I would be fearful and apprehensive if I knew how it would all work out. Who knows I might find out something insanely crazy and end up stuck in the downward poodle pose or duck pose or ostrich pose at that exact moment.

My (super)hu(man) is still faster than a speeding bullet. Still more powerful than a locomotive. And able to leap a tall building in a single bound…..with one slight twist, I realize that I was the kryptonite. ..all about perception. Powerful

Heads or tails..or it is tales

I am pretty esoteric in my spiritual growth and inner calling of being who I am. God created all this in me so I must evolve my thinking every day and yet have the UTMOST Faith that He has and will continue to grant Me mercy and Grace. One of my good friends back in the day called me an exotic enigma. I receive it.

I flipped a coin or two in my life cycle in trying to understand WHY now and WHY me? It just seems easier to let something else guide my next steps than myself. I don’t want to grow up and be an adult. I heard its tough and mundane and when you are also an adult Mommy, Sister, and Daughter, boy what a doozy of the essence of being. But do I know, it seems natural and chaotic.

I flipped a coin this morning, I would disclose what I was given but let’s just say with confidence that God has a gift for me today. I was able to do my hair with minimum gel and hairspray. I feel pretty good. I was able to start my proposal for a circculum of sorts so I can present to this middle school to go in and be able to educate, listen, share and talk to young people about grief and loss. As a community member and someone who cares for the heart health of others. My heartspace that my God has placed in my soul.

I supposed that getting the right side of the coin can determine what type of tale that one can write about their lives. You don’t have to write the whole story today but boy, today sure is a good start.

Tag you are it…with LoVe

When we meet people in the mist of going through something, you don’t even pause to figure why they crossed your path at the very moment. I went for my now daily walk at the waterfront. Of course, minding my own business, getting my french vanilla latte at Collectivo, when I met someone in need of a hug. It would seem now that God clearly orchestrated the encounter. The young lady mistakenly picked up my drink and I was like, cool, her name is Makayla too and she ordered the same drink…

I walked up to the counter amused but really was thinking how I was so craving my drink and had waited at least 6 minutes.. as I neared her, she gave me this “oops I took her drink to I don’t want anyone to know I am here” look. Then she cried. I felt bad if I gave that vibe and she later in her vulnerability to a perfect stranger but really how strange are we to one another in this small world? In a soft whisper of her Mommy confidence and trust of a perfect stranger, she recently lost her son and haven’t been in the sound sense of herself. I get it. Oh, Do I get it.

We went off to the side and I listened to her cry and held space so she can share her loss. This was the moment when saying ” I understand” is a true statement. I didn’t want to understand but God asked for my Timothy back too so yes, I understand. We simply sat. I shared my end-of-life doula walk of purpose and that moment of tag was one that I would take back.

God was in this for her and myself. Our sons must be proud.

The Pareto Principle…whoosaa

Good Morning, whoosaa so early? Well, its kinda of a good thing because I am able to set the tone for a great day of being fed with the Word of God and his whisper this morning in my ear was to capture the day and jump in like a good time at double dutch. I am going to make the Pareto Principle work to my benefit and smile at the results. If one doesn’t know this principle works off the notion that your gain of 80% comes from 20% your base. You can literary apply it to every day life and not subjected only to business.

My 80/20 mantra for the day is that of my 80% efforts of networking will plant the seeds to grow my End-of-Life Doula calling. Allowing that 20% to open my gift. I know that once we can reach the acceptance and awareness of impending death is not an absolute end but a new liberating beginning. I never want anyone to die alone. No one deserves to die alone. I don’t want to die knowing that I didn’t live in my purpose.

Life is a continuum of being able to be present for someone else as they are present with death. And my Whoosaa just came to peace.